Hashy Holidays! Another fabulous guest writer Feature from @medsforheads. ENJOY!
-Hashwriter
On my best day, I am a hater at heart. A chronic eye-roller. A Grinch. As such, Christmas never held a place of significance for me, and only partially because my family celebrated Hanukkah. But this year, something about the holiday season melted my cynicism and made me brim with wonder like Ralphie fogging up the window of that toy store over a weapon made for children. That something is The Hash Calendar Club.
Celebrating its first anniversary this Christmas, the Club brings together a variety of covetable flavors from respected hashers throughout the West Coast (with the noteworthy exception of Maine’s Helios Hash) in an advent calendar beautifully designed by VanGoghZuh. Since the first iteration, Saint Patrick’s Day and 7/10 have both had their own themed calendars with a roughly .3g taster of high-caliber rosin behind each day’s punch-out cardboard door and a big surprise waiting on the last day. For calendar number four, however, trouble was a-brewing at the North Pole, culminating in an all-out war between Santa’s elves and Krampus’ evil minions that split the flavors into two teams, red and blue. Viceland, eat your heart out because I went straight into the trenches to report on this 18-day conflict battle by battle.
Day 1: The Real Ridge Boys Blueberry Melon vs. Professor Sift OGKBZ
I arrived at the North Pole to a barrage of heavy artillery terps out of the gate. A fanfare of fruity and floral shampoo notes rang out on Santa’s side, opposed by the indelibly squeaky aroma of a gym floor with peppery Z flanked with subtle gas in the background. The Blueberry Melon’s sweet and smooth flavor bore a berry aftertaste and a tropical undertone with a hint of leather, providing a complex camouflage for a subduing and heavy high. Resisting attempts by the red side to pacify, Sift’s OGKBZ was swift and agile, piercing the fog with an astonishing head rush that gave way to a hyperverbal and virtual reality-like mental state. When the smoke cleared on that first skirmish, it was the mind- and chest-expanding taste of Sweet Tarts dissolved in mineral-rich stalactite drippings that stood victorious. Winner: OGBKZ.
Day 2: Dammit Bobby Rasta Banana vs. Relentless Melts Zkittlez
Doubling down on their Day 1 tactics, the blue team followed up with an even more focused Z battalion from Relentless Melts, the clearest expression of the profile I have ever encountered. However, despite a strong, cologne-like presence and cool blast of citrus candy on the palate, the power of Z only served to ‘make head go brrrr’, to borrow a phrase from my military escort, imbuing a docile indifference that eventually turned to impatience and irritability. Meanwhile, red took its first round setback in stride and regrouped with banana cake milkshake terps from the venerable Dammit Bobby. Mouthwatering notes of caramel and cantaloupe were enhanced by more challenging hints of fermented gas and sunscreen, much like a bayonet on a rifle. Although both flavors packed significant heat, the Rasta Banana’s bouncy yet mellow euphoria forced a retreat by Krampus’ army…for now. Winner: Rasta Banana.
Day 3: Feeling Frosty Red Smoothie vs. T. Squisha Orange Octane
It seems the bitter rivals may have more in common than they realize, as both sides have opted for a color show as their third day gambit. But while Santa rallied his troops with the morale-boosting Red Smoothie, loaded with funky papaya and tart goji berry essence, Krampus employed the element of surprise. The Orange Octane dazzled with its fragrance of full-bodied OG gas behind a facade of orange Push Pops. Still, its flavor, as refreshing and enjoyable as a Morir Soñando, was rather simplistic by comparison. Unfortunately for the blue team, creamy citrus may keep scurvy away in the barren Arctic, but the scatterbrained stone it rode in on was no match for the engaged and booted-up buzz of Frosty’s fruit-fortified smoothie, clearly an advantageous use of the native snowy terrain. Today’s spat is the first so far that I’d consider one-sided. Winner: Red Smoothie.
Day 4: PDX Pressin Rocky Love vs. Sunfire Farms Fuel Popz #9
Combatants are starting to gain a feel for each other’s movements and have begun to maneuver more inscrutably in return. Motivation-melting potency was stocked in both red and blue arsenals today, as was a ballistic cranial strike. The Portland regiment delivered a refined yet rustic anise-like herbal flavor, making its subtle scent of sour lime and orange zest aromatic gas seem like a decoy. In response, Sunfire Farms unleashed a smoke bomb of complexity on the nostrils, its profile layered with wild mint, diesel, and Sharpie fumes, backed by the musk of old furniture imbued with four-plus decades of farts. The Fuel Popz’ taste was more appealing, but no less discordant, offering notes of snowcone and rubber followed by a chocolate mousse aftertaste that lingered nearly as long as the rosin’s arresting head whack. Winner: Fuel Popz #9.
Day 5: Mountain Grease G Spot vs. Quality Squishes GMO
With two wins apiece, Santa and Krampus look for tried-and-true strategies to pull ahead. More specifically, strate-G’s, those being G Spot and GMO, respectively. AKA Hosebeest, Mountain Grease leads the charge for the red team with big guava energy and a warmly inviting aroma redolent of peach pie and pear concentrate. In contrast to this disarming juiciness, Quality Squishes’ GMO barreled through sporting metallic Chem, deep pine, and garlicky armpit funk which translated on the palate to a patch of organic soil replete with earthy nutrients and shroomy umami. The unexpectedly lively GMO was physically regulating and appetite-stimulating, but fell by the wayside of the G Spot’s cooling, lackadaisical, and surrender-inducing stone, similar to the sensation of standing under a waterfall. Winner: G Spot.
Day 6: Swollen Heads Sour Rainbow vs. Waterboyz Dog Breath
Of all the fighters on a tour of duty this December, the ones facing off today have been in my awareness the longest as warriors of prowess without having ever witnessed their skills firsthand. As the red side taps Swollen Heads Hash Co. for its light and nimble Sour Rainbow, the blue faction enlists video meme experts The Waterboyz and their deceptively-named Dog Breath. Not to accept restriction to the “candy gas” box, the Sour Rainbow’s scent carried notes of rotten tangerines, baby powder and pastry dough while orange sherbet and diesel dominated its flavor. The Dog Breath had its own sweet and noxious synergy, with a Jolly Rancher and spray paint scent and a hard-to-place flavor consisting of garlic spice, milky Gelato, sugar cone, and more elusive elements. Amid a flurry of obscure terps, this battle was certainly the hardest to call thus far, since the strengths of each rosin differed so greatly. The red entry left a full-body buzz and equipped its soldiers with laser beam eyes; the blue was more lighthearted, floaty and active, effective for staying on task yet muscle-tranquilizing. Not all versions of history are written the same way, and although the classically stimulating psychoactivity of the Sour makes it a winner in my book, the Dog Breath could easily have come out on top from another perspective. Winner: Sour Rainbow, but just barely.
Day 7: Helios Candy Fumes vs. Full Flava Extracts Cold Stone
A week of warfare comes to a close with no resolution in sight. Growing up, I was told that the seventh day should be one of rest, but the forces of good and evil are only working harder. Recruited from the faraway land of Maine, General Helios led his company in the Candy Fumes formation, exhibiting an intense fruit candy smell with a rank durian back note and a buttery pie crust undertone. Its taste was more streamlined, shedding complexities and leaving notes of melon boba, cinnamon, and nutmeg with a tinge of blue raspberry to occupy contested lungs. Helios defended against the duo of Full Flava Extracts and First Class Concentrates, who issued an air strike of vanilla frosting, grape Now and Laters, and faint skunk on the nose. This was followed up with a decadent palate full of gluey passionfruit mochi, complemented by white grape sorbet and acai Vitamin Water. Comparing the delectably saturated flavors is difficult, and comparing effects damn near impossible. The Candy Fumes provided a centering high that hushed distracting thoughts and enhanced reality with an exhilarating flow state. On the other hand, the Cold Stone had a groovy, mobile buzz that compelled muscles to stretch and eradicated tension from the knees and spine. Draw, evenly matched.
Day 8: Spiral Light Farm Lemon Sour Diesel vs. Rufus Rosin Grape Cream 2.1 (aka Grape Kush Breath)
Before the dust had settled from yesterday’s standoff, Krampus’s abominable snowmen had rolled up with some unexpected equipment: a terp pearl nestled into the jar of Grape Kush Breath rosin with a colorful millie that had hypnotic properties when spun at a certain angle. Lieutenant Rufus would later inform me that the troop’s official name was Grape Cream 2.1, but the floral grape must and earthy gas on the nose would be just as alluring by any other name. Requiring decisive firepower to keep the tides from turning against their favor, Santa called upon Spiral Light Farms to develop a bombshell that would make Lockheed Martin blush. The Lemon Sour Diesel, harkening back to the run of Sour dominance on the East Coast, positively reeked of rosewater, French onion soup, and unripe lemons. The lip-staining, almost minty diesel terps possessed a mascarpone-like richness that empowered the mind and body into a feral, disinhibited “beast mode” immediately upon exhale. By comparison, the Grape’s clean taste gave the impression of old-school purple cannabis pre-designer weed era, with sticky sponge cake and Ramune soda in the background. While those wounded on the blue side appreciated its deeply medicinal waves of calm and happy frontal lobe buzz, the sheer strength of the Sour cemented a win for the red on this day. Winner: Lemon Sour Diesel.
Day 9: Zen Extracts Strawberry Daiquiri vs. Mission Hill Melts Strawberry Cannoli
The Battle of the Berry is upon us. The Mission Hill Melts First Airborne Division executed a carpet bombing of syrup-soaked strawberry sundae topping terps spiked with a healthy swig of cognac, dubbed Operation Strawberry Cannoli. The pilots’ payload induced physical vibrations and telescopic focus, disrupting red communication systems. On the ground, Santa and the elves bolstered their defenses with Strawberry Daiquiri armor, lending the smell of berries, spoiled cream, and feety papaya funk to the battlefield. The fructose-saturated flavor of strawberry donut frosting with the tang of dragonfruit anesthetized the injured and gave them the will to wobble on, but just as the Cannoli broke down barriers of anxiety and fatigue, it penetrated and overran the Daquiri perimeter. Winner: Strawberry Cannoli.
Day 10: Brahma Rosin Tropical Watermelon Z vs. Mad River Melts Gary Angels
Instead of continuing to attack from the skies, team blue made an aquatic play today by tapping Mad River Melts for their Gary Angels platoon, a group of former athletes with lucrative cannabis endorsements. The athletic squadron approached nearly undetected, with only a faint scent of piney cookie and jet fuel, and struck with a tingle of Thin Mint gas and fresh dill that evoked alertness and a punch-drunk cerebral smack. In anticipation, however, the Red advanced with island terps that thrive best when surrounded by water. Spiritual paramilitary contractor Brahma Rosin deployed the loud and fruity Tropical Watermelon Z, packed with a flavorful cocktail of orange, cherry, and blueberry. An effective counter, the enhanced Z pressed down on enemy craniums with face-mushing, heart-hugging tranquility, infiltrating and blowing occipital lobes open like cargo bay doors. Subtlety certainly has its place in a successful campaign, but this episode favored an air raid siren of tropical fruits while Gary, much like U2, moved in mysterious ways. Winner: Tropical Watermelon Z.
Day 11: Steady Kushin Lemoncane vs. Cannadosio Modified Bananas #8
By now, Santa’s army has gained enough ground to take more risks, like trying to pierce Krampus’ front line with the halberd-sharp Lemoncane from Steady Kushin. A perfume of citronella and cool, piney gas made the unit aerodynamic, allowing it to stun snowy sentinels with the taste of Meyer lemon squares and a sun-beaten buzz like spending hours baking on the beach. Nevertheless, when Lemoncane collided with Cannadosio’s Modified Bananas #8, its zesty citrus terps were backed down by roasted garlic, rotten bananas, exhaust pipe emissions and mushroom stock. In fact, by my assessment, this Bananas had more GMO character than the GMO by Quality Squishes that fell upon the same ground days prior. Number eight, nicknamed “The Ocho” by some, flung dabbers and debris into orbit indiscriminately to be picked up by a giant cosmic claw machine. Winner: Modified Bananas #8.
Day 12: Real Cannabis Chris Pink Zugar vs. Hash Heads Lemonheadz
As the winds of victory blow every which way, the red and blue camps continue to unfurl their sturdiest sails to catch them. On the heels of yesterday’s defeat, Santa’s elves sought reinforcement from a supply of Pink Zugar from The Real Cannabis Chris. In turn, the shifty henchmen of evil appropriated and refined the red’s recent lemony tactic with Hash Heads Lemonheadz to induce a resolve-crumbling mix of shame and confusion. After surveying the scene and evaluating Lemonheadz’ olfactory notes of lemon meringue bath scrub and just a hint of urine, General Chris, a decorated solventless veteran, issued a Pink Zugar mortar blast of Nerds candy and birthday cake Oreo flavor that filled the air with the scent of sugary conchas, malted milk and royal icing. Although the Lemonheadz’ San Pellegrino-like taste and bell-ringing creeper stone may have held out in an alternate matchup, it was all but washed away in a miasma of smiley euphoria by the overwhelmingly sweet Pink Zugar. Winner: Pink Zugar.
Day 13: Ogre Farms Starburst OG vs. Beachside Solventless Pie-Z
The days are growing shorter and colder, and I have never been so high for so long consecutively. But still the sun rises, shedding light on the frozen landscape, and so must I. The red forces’ slow and steady traction has afforded them the upper hand, allowing them to innovate with each battle as the blue side scrambles to keep up. Today’s cannon fodder is two illustrious cuts, each interpreted by a somewhat clandestine producer with lesser media hype than some of their peers. Ogre Farms’ Starburst OG represented team Santa with a familiar, earthy OG Kush profile sharpened by hints of bright red cherries. Its blissful, ballooning high was both creatively inspiring and homeostasis-balancing for the body. From team Krampus and Beachside Solventless came the Pie Z with a noseful of shortcrust pastry and Fruity Pebbles cereal. Pie Z provided support for the blue soldiers in the form of tart cherry pie flavor doused in kerosene and a chill, mood-lifting buzz that extended the charge on social batteries. Quite evenly matched, there was a point when I thought the fighters may simply exhaust each other. That is, until a kushy hand clawed its way out of the fray, fingers covered in pie crumbs. Winner: Starburst OG.
Day 14: Yeti Melts Banana God vs. Happy Hash Cat Ztrawberry Kiwi
This morning, I awoke to the ground trembling. Could the California earthquakes have followed these hashmakers all the way to the North pole? In fact, it was the footsteps of a giant that shook the powder snow from the rooftops of elf huts. Yeti Melts, a beast I had thought only a myth, lumbered into the field wielding a massive, light golden club of Banana God rosin, ready to act as Santa’s enforcer. Thinking quickly, Krampus released another wild creature whose feline reflexes could circumvent the Yeti’s brute strength, the Happy Hash Cat with claws of Ztrawberry Kiwi. What ensued was a heated bout of terp-to-terp combat that began in the nostrils. Yeti swung his weapon ferociously with notes of banana Windex gas and funky pineapple topped with cottage cheese as the Hash Cat dipped and dodged, landing swipes of strawberry kiwi Snapple, cranberries and guava with piney sharpness. The rumble progressed to the taste buds with a clash of superb flavors. Yeti rained down dollops of banana pudding and whipped cream on Hash Cat, who struck back with a saber-toothed bite of thick and sweet mango nectar with lingering raspberries and grapes on the aftertaste. In spite of the upbeat, zeroed-in high bestowed by the Ztrawberry Kiwi, the Banana God’s final blow turned its recipient to an unthawable glacier. Winner: Banana God.
Day 15: Ganjah Guru/Cold Gold Strawberry Spritzer vs. Gold Country Resin Durban Sherbert
I sense that this war’s conclusion is just over the horizon. Both red and blue terp reserves are dwindling, but I am reminded of the Hanukkah story, another hard-won battle wherein the last drops of oil in the temple lamp burned more persistently than ever. Similarly, these later scrimmages could become the most crucial in determining the last man or Eastern European punitive monster standing. Today, Santa reached across the aisle to involve a spiritual leader from a different faith, Ganjah Guru. Allied with Cold Gold, the Guru brought forth the Strawberry Spritzer, smelling like aloe vera hand lotion and Fruit Roll-ups. To parry, Krampus unsheathed the Durban Sherbert from Gold Country Resin with a flash of camphor, deep woods, and geraniums. Considering the Durban Sherbert’s rocket-powered genetics and intriguing scent, I was surprised when its weaknesses in both taste and effects were exposed by the Spritzer. Compared to the latter’s delightful strawberry milk flavor, the former’s was mainly that of cooked, stalky hash with a streak of mint. After dabs of each, the spacey, darting focus and slight headache induced by the Durban was requited by the Spritzer’s stoned-cold, mentally mischievous high. Winner: Strawberry Spritzer.
Day 16: Gasman Extracts Zkittles vs. Wooksauce Winery/ABR Farms Berry Crunch
I’m no doctor, but I believe I could be experiencing the first documented case of PZSD (Post-Zkittlez Suhh Dude). When I close my eyes, I see rainbows and smell candy gas. I find myself waking up in a chill vibe in the middle of the night. I fear my zpelling may never be the zame. But for God and country, I remain posted on the sidelines until the end of this madness, ready to dab even more Z. Today’s saucy and nuanced iteration comes from Gasman Extracts on the red team, with a potent aroma of grape Laffy Taffy, violet fields, and expensive eau de toilette complemented by flickering gassy stank. This typical, mass-appealing olfactory profile concealed an eclectic palate which bore notes of Thai basil and sanded hard candies dropped in Sprite, as well as an aftershave-like aftertaste that smoldered like grenade shrapnel. Having already expended its pure Z ammunition early on, the axis of Krampus invoked the Berry Crunch from Wooksauce Winery and ABR Farms. Also sporting a misleading nose, the wafts of blueberry cobbler and toasty cereal from the Berry Crunch transformed into hearty gas with a soapy blackberry edge. The day’s winner was decided by sheer commitment, as the ether-like stone of the Berry instantly faded the opposition, compared to the Zkittlez’ swirling vortex of alternating motivation and slack-jawed stupor. Winner: Berry Crunch.
Day 17: Kenjana Extracts Ze Chem vs. Joshua Gardens Grape Gas
The firefight in the Arctic has officially escalated to nuclear levels, with neither side holding anything back. Warheads of volatile gas collide in midair, showering the snow-covered ground below in funky fallout. Santa displayed unprecedented aggression, opting to launch the Ze Chem missile manufactured by Kenjana Extracts, chemtrails streaming behind with a complex scent. Olfactory observers reported tennis balls, rainforest, ammonia and menthol notes, with a backdrop of citrus zest, but those closest to impact could taste nothing but straight Chem gas, clean and unadulterated, followed by a sweet and spicy tingle like diced pineapple sprinkled with chili powder. Subsequently, Krampus drew a chemical weapon of his own, Joshua Gardens’ Grape Gas. The obliviating linalool and myrcene-heavy blend provided fair warning of its sedative properties via the smell of lemongrass, dark chocolate and lilac. I was totally unprepared, however, for the distinct presence of bergamot in its flavor, along with sediment scrapings from the bottom of a wine barrel. Witnessing both strikes was akin to being in the center of a slapping contest. The first hit from Ze Chem was awakening, and brought my brain online, connected to an infinite Internet of ideas. The Grape Gas, on the other hand, batted me into the far reaches of the universe, from which I still have yet to fully return. Winner: Grape Gas.
Day 18, The Eve: The Real Ice Wook Sticky Papaya vs. Resin Ranch Extractions Lemans #7
So much heat has crossed these polar grounds that the ice is wearing dangerously thin. Elves and Snowfolk alike are falling through into the ocean, and fighting cannot sustain much longer. Their numbers dwindling, Santa and Krampus each channeled their own energy into a last-ditch terp surge. On the red side, The Real Ice Wook’s Sticky Papaya. On the blue, Resin Ranch Extractions’ Lemans #7. One purely sweet, one cacophanous and gassy, they represented the same vision for the future. Whether the catalyst is a juicy blend of papaya and condensed milk or an irresistibly noxious bomb of peanut butter cookies, blueberry Pledge and Korean spicy garlic wings, the result was a balanced state of peace and motivation, calm but ready to fixate on a solution. In the wake of eighteen days of fire, both leaders realized a peace accord was necessary to avoid further ice cap melting and preserve the world as we know it. Whether they receive the credit or not, we all owe our lives to the terps that gave theirs over the last two and a half weeks. Winner: Humanity!
X-mas Day: Pax Terpenica
Leading by example, Santa and Krampus have squashed the beef and set aside their differences for the common good on this dark, cold holiday. In the name of tradition, there was even a gift exchange at the treaty signing. The items in the gift boxes were mostly identical, given that there are only a few vendors in the North Pole, but in addition to a pack of Pro Swabs, hash capsules by Ice Cold Connection and a pair of adorable elf and snowman truffles by Everyday I'm Trufflin', Santa and Krampus each received a gram of rosin in a personalized jar from Empty1glass. The red jar contained Tropical Sorbet from Kalya Extracts, while 710 Labs Zkittles persy badder (not Piescream as printed) graced the blue.
The lesson we can take from this chapter of history is universal: no matter the name, brand, strain or profile, hash can make life better, and it's best enjoyed together. So keep your hearts and bangers warm this Christmas, support hardworking craftspeople, and join me in a toast to another year of terps to come. Cheers!
Written By @medsforheads
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